To my patients:
– If I choose not to cut you open for your pain, it is not code for “You are faking it.” It is code for “I don’t think I can fix your pain with my knife.”
-Sometimes you are faking it, though.
– I don’t enjoy putting my finger in people’s bottoms, no matter how many times I choose to.
– I don’t blog identifiable things about patients. Even if they are clearly too stupid to read.
– If you are out for a smoke or drink when I come to see you, I will assume you are much improved.
To my colleagues:
– Female reproductive organs do cause pain. They really, really do. Come and see my patient.
– If you are able to diagnose patients over the phone based on my examination and history, you probably could set up an excellent telemedicine clinic. (COME AND SEE MY PATIENT)
– If you are mean to my intern, I will squash you like a bug. Don’t.
– It is not a competition to see who has the least patients. It is a competition to see who has the most satisfied, well-managed and well-informed patients.
– If you were an obstetrician/orthopod/ultrasonographer in another country, I don’t care. Don’t try to sell me your unregistered diagnosis.